A641.3.3.RB - Working with EI: Getting Results!

A641.3.3.RB - Working with EI: Getting Results!

Self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and social skill are four dimensions of emotional intelligence that David Goleman discussed in the videos we were assigned to watch. The most profound video for me was the TED2007 talk that went into detail about different human behaviors that we’re all guilty of without even thinking about it. The seminary students who only stopped to help a homeless person only if they felt like they had time to do so, even though they were studying the story of the Good Samaritan. His tale of his urban blindness. (Goleman, 2007) I related to this on many levels.

Self-awareness is knowing and understanding who you are and how what you do impacts others. Being self-aware means that you are conscientious about what your needs and how what you say reflects those needs. I work with a young lady who is fresh out of college and Boeing is her first “grown-up” job. It is clear that she is not very self-aware but definitely self-confident. She says things without realizing what she is actually saying and who she is impacting by saying things. She inadvertently makes herself sound like an ass and throws her team under the bus because she needs to have an answer for everything. I had to learn that the hard way.

I worked in the women’s shoe department at Dillard’s in San Antonio, TX. I was about 20 years old at the time. There was one man who worked in that department too and he always sold the most shoes because he would flirt with the women, make them feel like queens, and they would just hand over their money. Let’s call him Tony. One day, I was helping a woman who asked where Tony was and I let her know that he was at lunch and would be back momentarily. She said that she was a regular customer of his and we got to talking about how he charmed her into buying shoes every week…it was all just joking and not derogatory but he happened to walk by when I said, “He’s quite the Don Juan.” Later that day, he was very upset and asked to talk to me in the storage room. He said that saying something like that, what it implied, was very negative and could cost him his reputation and customers. I had only meant that he was suave and charming but instead, by using the term “Don Juan” I implied that he slept around. Or at least that’s how he interpreted it. I apologized and we were fine. I was thinking outward…not inward. I was projecting an image instead of being aware of who I was, where I was, and how what I said would impact other people. It was my first real lesson on self-awareness.

Self-management is sticking to your values, holding yourself accountable, taking care of yourself and in general, doing what you say you’re going to do. I try to emulate this and it’s become easier, weirdly enough, as I get older. I find that I don’t care so much what other people think. I do what I know to be true to my values and how I was raised whether or not it’s popular. I ask questions now because I believe it’s important to be a critical thinker and I’m not embarrassed that I don’t have all of the answers. Be interesting. Read voraciously, and listen to learn, then teach and share everything you know. No one owes you their attention; you have to earn it and keep attracting it. (Say, 2017)  I try to approach younger co-workers with compassion and am able to help them whenever they need it. I try to be supportive because I know what it’s like to not be supported. I need to keep working on this because it is too easy for me to default to the defensive position.

Social awareness is a tough one. I feel sympathy and compassion for the people I see suffering, whether at work or on the news, walking downtown and seeing the homeless trying to protect their tiny personal space. I want to help, but I'm not sure how. I recently bought socks from this on-line site Bombas. Their motto is “bee better.” https://bombas.com/. For every pair of socks you purchase, they donate a pair to the homeless. On their website they say that their inspiration was formed when [they] came across a quote that changed everything. “Socks are the number one most requested clothing item at homeless shelters.” (Bombas, 2017) This was amazing to me. How simple! Social awareness that was drilled down past shelters and food pantries to the individual. How many times a week do we change socks…hopefully every day? A homeless person keeps their shoes and socks on all the time for fear of theft. Bare feet in the cold nights can be a death sentence. We all know how wonderful a brand new pair of socks feel…can you imagine the joy a brand new pair of socks would bring to someone who hasn’t taken their shoes off for weeks or months? Something so simple but so powerful. That is what I want to aim for. My social awareness is in a good place but it can definitely be better. And this is, I think, the predicament of our lives: that we don't take every opportunity to help because our focus is in the wrong direction. (Goleman, 2012) I could donate more of my actual time to be of service to others. Time is very valuable to me so that would be a greater sacrifice than just writing a check. (Oh, and yes…those socks from Bombas are amazing.) But all it took was that simple act of noticing[.] (Goleman, 2012)

Social skills are a whole different thing for me at work. I work around a lot of engineers and other folks who are brilliant but super socially awkward. I have found that finding something in common with them can go very far. I find out some very strange things but we’re relating to each other on a personal level. It’s a little selfish on my part because I’m trying to build my network and have those go-to people to help me when I need it, but I think it’s important to people to be heard too. Social skills are a two way street…a two way conversation. It can be difficult to have a good conversation with leaders in my organization because of their constant need to check their Blackberries…or really anyone who needs to check their cell phone every two minutes. There is a newly coined word in the English language for the moment when the person we're with whips out their BlackBerry or answers that cell phone, and all of a sudden we don't exist. The word is "pizzled": it's a combination of puzzled and pissed off. (Goleman, 2012) Emotional intelligence means that I can talk to people about themselves, it doesn’t have to be me telling them all about me. I listen to learn, not just to reply with something clever. Stop babbling and create social contracts that define, deepen, and protect relationships within your organization. (Rockwell, 2013) We all talk at work and in public, but what are we saying to each other? How are we saying it? How is it being heard? And ultimately, who is listening?

References:

Bombas. (2017) https://bombas.com/pages/our-story

Goleman, D. (2012, Apr 23). Daniel Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence. Big Think. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Goleman, D. (2007, March).Why aren't we more compassionate? TED2007.

http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion

Rockwell, D. (2013, May 5). Connecting Through Social Contracts. Leadership Freak. https://leadershipfreak.blog/2013/05/05/connecting-through-social-contracts/

Say, R. (2017). 12 Rules for Self-Management. Lifehack.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/12-rules-for-self-management.html

A641.2.3.RB - Am I a Resonant Leader

A641.2.3.RB - Am I a Resonant Leader

This was a very difficult exercise for me. I don’t like to think about whether or not I inspire people or if people can see that I’m in tune with myself. I feel like I’m in a constant state of chaos and that is what I’m pretty sure people see when they look at me…if indeed they do look at me. But, I did surprise myself a little with my answers to the questions because after I zoomed out a little and thought about things from other people’s perspectives, or my idea of those perspectives, sometimes I saw that if I didn't think I could inspire people, the opportunities are there to start trying.

Do I inspire people? I’m not sure that inspire would be the exact word that I would use, but I try to encourage people to be their best. It’s a challenge to “be who you are” when you aren’t sure who that is. (Rockwell, 2012) When people come to me and complain about something, I am compassionate and may even commiserate a little but I also ask them what they are going to do to fix it. I try to encourage people to think about the big picture, look outward and maybe the issue will make more sense or they’ll see it isn’t personal. I hope that I inspire people to think critically about the world around them and to ask the questions of themselves and others that need to be asked. In zooming out a bit, maybe these folks do start to behave differently, ask better questions and get to critically understand their environment because of something I’ve mentioned. I’m usually the person who sits in a very technical meeting about some process or another but at the end will ask the question that has to do with realistic situations. For example, I sat in a meeting this week about moving an inspection process up a couple of days in the flow so that splices could be made earlier. I listened to engineers and managers pontificate and make assumptions about all kinds of scenarios. Finally I just asked, “Has anyone talked to the mechanics? The people who actually work on the airplane?” *insert record scratch* Everyone just kind of looked at me like, “Who brought the buzz killer?” But in the end, we had another meeting where there was a lead mechanic from every area impacted. Did I inspire that? Maybe. But I definitely influenced it.

I do believe that I create an overall positive emotional tone that is characterized by hope…most of the time anyway. I am always hopeful that people will do the right thing and that companies will do right by their employees. Whenever someone at work talks about what can’t be done and why something is so awful. I always…and I mean always…say “Hey, we were part of a group of people who put men on the moon. We can figure this out.” I say this mostly to center myself and regroup my thoughts. Half the time it gets a chuckle out of the group but I’m totally serious when I say it. In my personal life, I’m hopeful that my husband will stay healthy and my family is safe. I’m hopeful that this move to South Carolina was the right thing to do even though my heart is breaking and I have no idea what I’m doing. And I’m trying very hard to stay hopeful in our current political situation even though my gut reaction is pure disgust. It is one thing to hear wake-up calls; it is quite another to act on them, to become a resonant leader who is able to sustain that resonance through difficult times. (Boyatzis & McKee, 2005) I have definitely fallen short many times and have created or contributed to a negative emotional tone. There is one woman on my current team that just completely frustrates me and I’ve been a little dismissive with her as a defense mechanism to her tendency to be dismissive of others. I’ve had to sit back and think about why she’s like that and how it doesn’t help for me to exacerbate the negativity. So, right now, I’m using the avoidance tactic in the hopes that less exposure will help. This isn’t ideal but it is giving me space to think about it.

Being in touch with others and knowing what is in other people’s hearts and minds is really difficult. I used to think that when people were having a bad day that they were clearly mad at me. But then I got older and realized that everyone has their battles to fight and their own ideas of what’s supposed to happen versus what actually happens. At the core of that question though, no one really knows what’s in another person’s heart and mind. Not truly. We only see what they do and say and base our observations and opinions on that. Leadership is a conscious process, starting with clarity about one’s own personal vision and hopes for the future. (Boyatzis, Johnston & McKee, 2008) I work with a guy who is absolutely miserable at his job. He feels like the whole leadership team is out to get him and that no matter what he does, it won’t be enough or even right. He also has several businesses outside of work that he runs and knows that someday, that’s where his heart will be full-time. I can tell that he is hurting, he is frustrated and tired. He talks to me about these things and I try to remind him that he is so young, he has his whole life to do what he wants to do. He should, at this point in his life, say yes to as much as possible because one day, he’ll settle down, have kids, get a mortgage, and then it won’t matter that he isn’t passionate about his job. He’ll have to figure it out. I’m not telling him to quit his job at Boeing…that’s crazy. But I’m asking him questions and trying to help him see what’s truly in his heart and mind because honestly, sometimes we don’t even know. I hope that from his perspective, he sees me as someone who is coming from a place of compassion, experience, and encouragement.

I sincerely hope that I demonstrate compassion. I don’t expect compassion from other people so when I experience it, I’m always thankful. I had an abuse situation in my childhood that created in me a fierce desire to make sure that I’m not the one who inflicts pain on other people – mental or physical. I know what it’s like to feel scared and small, helpless and alone so I approach people in a manner that is kind and optimistic. At least I try to. I also have a temper that flares up most when I feel like I have no control over something. I think that my default is a smile and not a grimace. That has to mean something. I have been told by teams I’ve left that when I was gone it was like the joy was gone. I think that I bring a sense of lightness to an otherwise intense work environment. Resonant leaders negotiate the challenges of constant change and leave people feeling uplifted, even in difficult times. (Boyatzis, Johnston & McKee, 2008) It isn’t that I don’t get the seriousness or gravity of a situation, it’s just that I know that whatever we do, life will go on so we just need to do our best…and laugh. It makes me feel good to know that I’ve left a legacy of positive feelings at least.

Am I authentic and in tune with myself, others, and the environment? How can people see this in me? I absolutely do not feel in tune with any of these things. I try to be aware of other people and how they seem to be…I try to “read the room” effectively but I always think that I’m missing that gene that gives some people that fire that rages within. I don’t have that fire. I’m just rubbing sticks together blowing on dry leaves! So, in tune? Not so much. Aware? Yes, as much as possible. As far as on a team, at work, I listen to people a lot. I listen to their worries and fears and empathize with them. This also goes back to the inspiration thing I think. But here’s the good news, I’m working on my authenticity and being in tune with myself. This is where I think we have to start in order to really be in tune with others. Inspire others to seek their greatest contribution, not the one you want them to make. (Rockwell, 2012)

References:

Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant Leadership. Boston, Massachusetts: Harvard Business School.

Boyatzis, R., Johnston, F. & McKee, A. (2008). Becoming a Resonant Leader. Boston, Massachusetts: Harvard Business Press.

Rockwell, D. (2012, May 6). How to Navigate the Path to Authenticity. Leadership Freak. https://leadershipfreak.blog/2012/05/06/how-to-navigate-the-path-to-authenticity/

A641.1.3.RB - What is Great Leadership

A641.1.3.RB - What is Great Leadership

View "What is Great Leadership" by Dr. Richard Boyatzis. Dr. Boyatzis explains the impact most effective leaders can have on you. Stop the video when he asks you to complete his exercise. Complete the exercise and then watch the rest of the video. Finally, write up your results as a reflection blog. 

In the video, Dr. Boyatzis asked us to stop and think about a leader for whom or with whom you worked – one that brought out the best in you – and that you would gladly work with again. He also asked us to think about a leader that you try to avoid, left you wishing for more, and would help your organization more by working for a competitor. (ha!) The two people who came to mind were both part of the same organization. One was a team lead for the industrial engineering team I was part of and the other was a senior leader for the Lean group.

Rick Jones is one of the best people I know outside of my immediate family. I started with the organization as a contractor with a 90-day contract. When I was getting toward the end of my first 90 days, I had been assigned to a project that would extend past the expiration date on my badge. I asked him if maybe I should step back since I may not be here to see the project through and he said, in the most encouraging way possible, “Don’t work like you have an expiration date. Just work.” He was right. I stopped worrying about the next 90-days and the next. In fact, that 90-day contract got renewed every 90-days for two and a half years until I could graduate with my Bachelor’s degree and get hired on permanently.

Throughout this entire time, I was never treated like a contractor or temp. I was always, from day one, treated like one of the team and I know this was attributed to Rick’s and our manager’s genuine leadership. When I think of why Rick was such a resonant leader, the things I wrote down were: Optimistic, encouraging, always wanting to improve, inspired growth and worked on team development, compassion, shared his struggles and successes, respectful, collaborative, passionate about the work he did, saw value in teaching people, reliable, challenged and believed in me. Rick was and still is my unofficial mentor and coach. He not only didn’t resist change and doing the right thing, he instigated and incited change! It was an honor to get to work with him for almost five years and I try to emulate those qualities in him that I admire to my new team.

When I left Skin & Spar in WA, it wasn’t because I wanted to. I would have stayed there and gleaned every last bit from Rick and my teammates that I could have. Unfortunately, I also felt that the organization was starting to stagnate and I needed to be somewhere I could pave my own way and expand my career. The opportunity to try for a lateral transfer to the 787 came at the perfect time and I went for it. At the going away party they had for me, Rick stood up and read me a list of “Rick-isms” that completely brought me to tears. I printed them out and to this day carry them with me everywhere on my clipboard at work. These Rick-isms included many gems like, “Remember, the first one through the wall is always the bloodiest.” And, “Never let anyone know how much you know or how much you don’t know.” His favorite thing to tell me was, “It’s always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” (He is a little mischievous too!) You know what great leadership is. (Boyatzis, 2017) I will always hope to work with someone like Rick again but more than that, I’m so honored to have even met him in the first place.

(I really should have started with this next person so that I could have ended this post on a positive with Rick.) Pamela Johnson is a senior manager and when I first met her I was excited that such a strong, empowered woman was this awesome manager who was an advocate for her team. Then I got to know her. The things I wrote when I thought about her were: cruel, judgmental, not trustworthy, would try to humiliate anyone who opposed her, would also humiliate and belittle people just to make herself seem better, bully, inconsiderate, insincere, no empathy or compassion, demanding, disrespectful, super hostile.

Whew…that was brutal. The things I experienced with this woman made me want to scream at her that she was destroying everything women had worked for in this industry. She made us seem petty and insipid. I was in a meeting with her where she actually started talking about one of her employee’s disabilities and was mocking him and making fun of him. He was a crane operator who only had one arm. It was disgusting and she did it in a room of her peers and subordinates.

Personally, I was responsible for facilitating the “Tier III” senior management meetings every morning. It was all senior leaders and me. The meeting was supposed to be 30 minutes long and everyone was to get 2 minutes to talk their “help needs.” This meeting turned into 90 minutes of status reporting. So the director, Pam’s boss, asked me to use a timer to help folks understand what two minutes felt like when they were talking and to help redirect topic when needed. After a couple weeks, I asked him if I could add in an actual alarm that would go off at 2 minutes and he said it was a good idea. (People were just not getting my non-verbal cues.) One day we were in the middle of a really good discussion. Unfortunately, it was cutting into other manager’s time. So, I waited for a good pause to politely interrupt to let them know that it had been 7 minutes and did we want to take a vote as to whether or not to continue here or continue off-line. So, at the suitable moment, I spoke up. All I got out was, “Hey everyone, it’s been seven minutes and before we…” Pam stood up, slammed her palms on the table, looked at me and yelled, “This is NOT your meeting.” She continued to yell at me like I was a petulant, idiot child in front of my manager, all of the senior managers, her boss and everyone within earshot of the conference room. I started to say something when I looked at my boss and he gave me the “Time Out” hand signal and I just stopped. The 30 minute meeting lasted two hours that day. I will never forget how little and insignificant I felt that day. I hope that she does go and work for Airbus someday…Boeing would only benefit from that. There are other egregious examples but I think you get the picture.

People that we’re exposed to day to day aren’t very good at [leadership], and yet who do we try to emulate to try to fit in or do a good job? (Boyatzis,2017) This was such a valid point in Dr. Boyatzis’ video…we see the bad leadership, the bad behaviors, and yet we are under the impression that this is what we have to be in order to be leaders in an organization. These behaviors get rewarded and bad leadership is perpetuated. I had never really thought about it on that level before. I knew that managers have the ability to influence the culture of their teams negatively and positively by perpetuating certain behaviors but thinking of it from the bottom to top…I mean…of course! I know this post is extremely long already but this idea made me think of how liberating it was when as an adult with my own house, for the first time I realized that I didn’t have to do everything exactly as my Mom had done. I love and respect my Mom, and I learned behaviors from her. Most of these were good behaviors, but I can tell you…if I do happen to leave dishes in the sink overnight, the world will not, in fact, stop turning! Ha! It’s that same feeling with the idea that what we see as examples of leadership in our organizations can be both good and bad…we need to be critical thinkers, be brave, and explore what leadership looks like coming from us. I think Pam thought she had to be a bully to be in the same league with the “Good ‘ol Boy” network. That idea isn’t unheard of in corporate America. Rick wasn’t a bully. He knew what being a leader meant for him and his organization. No one wants a sad copy…they want the integrity of the real thing.

References:

Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant Leadership. Boston, Massachusetts: Harvard Business School.

Boyatzis, R. (2017). What is Great Leadership? Case Western Reserve University. ERAU Production. https://820961.kaf.kaltura.com/browseandembed/index/media-redirect/entryid/1_irqylr7d/showDescription/false/showTitle/false/showTags/false/showDuration/false/showOwner/false/showUploadDate/false/playerSize/400x285/playerSkin/30818691#