A632.6.3.RB - The High Cost of Conflict

A632.6.3.RB - The High Cost of Conflict

As you have read, much of Levine’s work depends upon having a keenly developed ability to listen. Often, we are so busy developing our own stories, we fail to listen actively to that which we are being told, intent only on verbalizing our own personal stories. Think about the last time you “really listened” to someone else and gave them time to “get their story out”. How different was that experience from your normal communications? What did you learn? Record your experiences in this RB. If you are unable to recall such a situation, find a time/place this week to practice active listening and report on that.

One of the things in our readings this week really struck me - it was an epiphany! Levin says that [a]llowing the story to emerge is a critical part of the process. When we interrupt those who have a story to tell by asking questions we think are critical we are effectively cutting off their catharsis and depriving ourselves of deeply knowing what they are thinking. (Levine, 2009) I am absolutely guilty of doing that, of interrupting people to ask a question that I think is critical or relevant. What I’m doing though is not only cutting off the speaker’s catharsis but am commandeering the dialog. I interrupt their thought process and their need to tell their story has been redirected to answering my question. I always thought it was okay to do this because it showed that I was interested in what they were saying and that I was paying attention. When you initially become involved in resolving a conflict, it is essential to listen to the story, the whole story, in the way the other person wants to tell it. (Levine, 2009)

The more I thought about this way of listening and tried to apply this idea to my daily communications, the more relieved I was. It was almost like I could relax and just listen to people without feeling the pressure to interject a question or comment that would let them know I was paying attention. I didn’t try to come up with any questions or redirect their story. It was hard because old habits are tough to break. I wasn’t always successful – I was more successful with people I wasn’t as close with. It was tougher with people I am closer with because my friends and I have a certain pattern to our conversations – for better or worse. But it was an interesting exercise that I will continue. I feel like I got to hear more of the storyteller’s truth when I didn’t inadvertently hijack the conversation.

My coworker (and friend) just found out that her Dad has prostate cancer. When she first told me, obviously I was sympathetic and listened to her fear and confusion. I tried to ask her questions about the procedures in an effort to let her know that I was concerned and interested – invested in her pain. Looking back, it might have been better to have just listened and let her get all of thoughts and feelings out – not commenting or interjecting my stuff. The more I think about it, my efforts to let her know I was listening and concerned could have come across as self-serving. That makes me feel awful! We were extremely busy at work this week – we are going through a big statement of work transition so we have training most days that takes us away from our regular (and emergent) work so we spend additional time at work to make up for the class time. We’re all working 12-15 hour days lately. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my coworker this week but when I had lunch with her on Friday, I asked how her Dad was doing and just let her talk. It felt good to just listen with my heart and be there for a dear friend.   

References:

Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution: turning conflict into collaboration. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc.